THE TOP 7 MYTHS ABOUT GNOMES

1. Myth: All Gnomes live in gardens or lawns.

Truth: While Gnomic habitats do include gardens and lawns, most gnomes live in sewers. Much like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they dine on pizzas and practice martial arts. They also enjoy the occasional skinny dip into poop-infested waters.

2. Myth: Gnomes are small.

Truth: Gnomes come in all shapes and sizes. They don’t exist in a corporatist society, and so they’re not constantly bombarded by messages and images telling them to conform to a socially-constructed body type. They accept themselves, no matter what.

3. Myth: Gnomes are merely ornamental.

Truth: Gnomes are complex creatures with the capacity to live full and dignified lives. It’s true that some Gnomes believe they’re only good for decorating the homes of human beings, but this is only because they’ve been treated this way. This sort of treatment by human beings is considered psychologically abusive, by the Gnomic Community as a whole.

4. Myth: Gnomes wear stupid hats.

Truth: That’s a matter of opinion, buster.

5. Myth: Gnomes eat children.

Truth: Gnomes are vegan. Some Gnomes simply cook children for ogres, to exchange for shoe horns.

6. Myth: Gnomes are stupid.

Truth: What is considered to be “valid intelligence” is often motivated by racist and classist systemic forces. Gnomes may not know the first thing about algebra, but they can live at peace with the natural world. Can you?

7. Myth: Gnomes aren’t interested in politics, because they don’t care about social issues.

Truth: People seem to think that just because Gnomes don’t give a hoot about the politics, they don’t care about society. The truth is, almost every Gnome in the world is a member of the Garden Gnome Liberation Front, which is an organization dedicated to constructing self-sustaining hunter-gatherer-based communities, so that the Gnomes will be prepared for the collapse of civilization.