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Nightblade here (Jeremy's arch nemesis).
I was gazing up at the heavens recently, and had a revelation of sorts. "Why should Jeremy and I be enemies?" I thought. "Perhaps if I offered him an olive branch, we could let bygones be bygones." Subsequently, I asked Jeremy if I could interview him, and he agreed. It was my hope that we could work things out during this conversation. Here's what happened: Nightblade: Before we start, can I get you something to drink? Jeremy: Do you have any kitten tea? N: I don't think so. I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that brand. J: Oh, it's not a brand. N: So it's tea…made of kittens? J: That's right. There's nothing quite like a steaming cup of kitten orphans. N: They're orphans too? J: They don't have to be, but I've found the trauma of being separated from their cat families adds a particular zesty flavor to the cup. N: I…see. Is there anything else I can get you? J: Do you have any liquefied baby seal souls? N: I'm afraid not. J: Tears of the innocent? N: No. J: Nothing for me, thanks. N: So…shall we get on with the interview then? J: Whatever. N: Well then, I've read a lot of your work, and I get the feeling that you're a very passionate person; someone who cares deeply about humanity and the other life forms on this planet. Would you say this is true? J: Actually, I hate all people and animals. Especially baby monkeys. N: What about plant life? J: As far as I'm concerned, plants are just animals too lazy to walk around. N: Interesting perspective. Would you mind telling us a little about what got you writing fiction? Were you inspired by a specific author? J: No, nothing like that. It all started years ago when I was searching for ancient treasure in another land. As you probably already know, stealing from other cultures is one of my favorite pastimes. To make a long story short, I found this little furball-like creature with big eyes named Dumpling, and he turned out to be a sort of genie, and I asked him to transform me into a writer. N: So, have you always wanted to be a writer then? J: No, I don't really like books. The thing is, whenever anyone reads any of my stories, Dumpling gets an electric shock. It's a magical thing, and I don't know how it works exactly, but it's hilarious, don't you think? N: To be honest, I find the whole thing to be quite cruel. J: Your face is quite cruel. N: Listen, Jeremy. I didn't come here to fight. I thought we could move past the epic battles and childish squabbling. J: Your face is childish squabbling. N: What does that even mean? J: What kind of name is Nightfart anyway? That's disgusting. N: My name is Nightblade, and you know it's Nightblade. J: All I know is no one loves you. N: That's going too far, Jeremy. J: Seriously. I wrote letters to your friends and family, and they all said they hated you. They said they wished you were a shovel, so you could serve some sort of purpose. N: Alright, one last question. Why should people buy your book Vacation? J: I already talked about Dumpling's electric shocks, right? N: Yes. Any other reason? J: Because I'm saving up to develop an action figure of myself. It'll come with a little cup of kitten tea and miniature versions of all the letters I got from your family saying they wished you were a rake. N: You said before they wished I was a shovel. J: There were two camps, and they didn't really reach a consensus. N: Never mind. These letters don't even exist. J: Yes they do. N: Then show them to me. J: I already ate them, because they were jam-packed with sweet, sweet loathing. N: This interview's over. J: Your face is over. --- So it seems that despite my best efforts, I couldn't end the feud between Jeremy and myself. It's a shame, really. But I suppose I'd rather not be friends with someone who doesn't bathe. He also sneezes hairballs and spam. |
  
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