THE TOP 11 REASONS TO READ MY BOOK

1. If you read it, every ceramic leprechaun in the world will sing a song about you on February 2nd, 2008.

2. You'll obtain the power to transform algebra textbooks into papier mache Smurfs.

3. All of your tangerine-based dreams and fantasies will come true.

4. You'll receive 2 free tickets to the Giant Marshmallow Peep Amusement Park.

5. A pair of vaudevillian snapping turtles will come to your door and entertain you for 6.7 minutes.

6. All the diet soda in the world will enter another dimension, where aspartame is actually pixie dust, instead of toxic Rumsfeld powder.

7. You won't fall into a sea of liquefied eggplant parmesan.

8. The world will end, and then start up again 5 seconds later, and everyone will be a little happier with their new talking gargoyle doorknockers.

9. Somewhere in the world, a baby monkey will feel loved.

10. The garden gnomes will finally be free.

11. In your backyard, an army of polka dot penguins will build a statue of Mr. Belvedere that spits out multi-flavored snow cones and manatee key chains.